Crazed Bellatrix
by MeganBellaRoseBlack
Summary: Bellatrix doesn't take her pills and the result is a series of events that both amuses and annoys her precious Voldy. Read&Review please!
1. Voldemort gets a surprise

**Voldemort lay in bed fantisising about what trouble he would cause that day. He thought he would knock down a muggle church or two. After all, it was Sunday and it would be very entertaining to see that man with the finny collar running around screaming. **

'**Aha.. Ahaaa… Ahhahahaha…AHHHHHHH' His dark cackling had been interrupted by his bedroom door being blown off its hinges and slamming into an opposite wall. The Dark Lord stared at the door frame - minus a door - wondering what could possibly have caused his door to narrowly miss his head and interupt his manic laughter. **

'**Sorry about that my Lord. My hair pin wouldn't open the lock. Why were you laughing manicly My Lord? Why? What for? Why?' Bellatrix entered the room smiling widely and sat herself on the end of his bed. **

'**Well Bellatrix, I had just decieded what I would do today. Guess what my plans are' Voldemort said with a smile on his face. Bellatrix tilted her head to the side slightly and looked up to the ceiling thoughtfully. **

'**Well…' she paused and looked back at Voldemort before taking a deep breath and very quickly saying 'Are you going to sink a few ships today My Lord? You have that 'I'm-going-to-sink-a-few-ships-today' look in your eye. OH! OH! OH! Are you going to try and kill Harry Potter today My Lord? It's a marvellous day for a spot of killing! OH!! I KNOW!! Are you going to knock down a muggle church or two My Lord?? It is a Sunday after all. You know what we do on Sundays My Lord? Have SUNDAY ROAST!! I'm going to go slave away in the kitchen and make a Sunday roast for you My Lord! don't worry. It will be ediable this time' and with that, she raced out of the bedroom. Voldemort sat alone making a note to self to A) Never play a guessing game with Bellatrix again and B) Sink a few ships sometime this week.**

**A few seconds later, a sort of 'Bang Bang Bang OWWW' sound could be heard followed **

'**I'm okay! I'm okay! No need to worry! No broken bones!…I think. Can we possibly move those stairs?' which was shouted by Bellatrix which proceeded a mad giggle. Voldemort sighed. He had told Bellatrix repeatedly that if she was not going to take her pills, she should make sure that it was not a Sunday. Sunday was the Lords day of rest and Lord Voldemort did **_**not**_** want crazed people disturbing him - he had enough of that every other day of the week. But once again, she had not listened and now Voldemort had a whole day of crazy Bellatrix to face. **


	2. Roast Dinner!

Draco rubbed his eyes as he padded into the kitchen.

'Aunty Bella. Can you make me some toast please?' he asked with his eyes practically shut as he sat at the kitchen table only vaguely aware his aunt was cooking from the awful smell that was coming from the oven.

'Yes Draco. I can. You know why I can? Do you Draco? Do you? Do you know why? Its because I am your Aunty Bellatrix and I love you very, very much' After giving him a hug from behind, kissing his cheek, ruffling his hair and squealing, Bellatrix went back to her cooking.

Draco looked black for a second.

'Aunty Bella. You haven't taken your pills have you?' Bellatrix turned to Draco with a touched expression on her face.

'Draco! Darling! Deary! You are SO sweet sometimes! You know your ol' Aunty so well! I know it's hard to tell when I haven't taken them, there isn't much difference but you can tell Draco. Darling. Deary. Only you! I was talking to the big V this morning and I don't think he even suspected a thing. I think it means I am getting better Draco. Doesn't it. Draco. Doesn't it' Draco tried to think of the correct reply to that, then decided there wasn't one.

'Uh huh. You know, I think I'll make that toast myself.'

Lord Voldemort entered the kitchen and stopped abruptly. Bellatrix was bustling around holding something that very much resembled road kill and singing 'Where is my mind'. Badly.

'Ah! V! Just in time. Dinner is nearly ready'

'Bella. You've only been cooking for twenty minutes. You can't cook a roast dinner in twenty minutes. Plus, its only 10 o'clock. That's not dinner' Bellatrix smiled proudly.

'Well. You see, I thought if it took two hours at 180°c then it would be a lot quicker at 800°c! So I got Draco to work it out for me! Praise me My Lord! Praise me! My Lord!'Voldemort looked at the thing in her hands that was now violently smoking. It all made sense now.

'So Bella. Let me get this right' he said slowly. 'You cooked out dinner - MY dinner- at 800° for twenty minutes'

'then scrapped off the black bits. Yes.' Bellatrix confirmed with a nod.

The Dark Lord turned away from a pleased Bellatrix to Draco with a frown on his face.

'Draco. Shout for your father. I need the take out menus. I am thinking Pizza' Draco nodded instantly.

'FATHER! BRING THE MENUS! AUNTY BELLA HAS BEEN COOKING!'

Bellatrix looked from Draco who had returned to 'sullen teenager' mode, to Voldemort.

'If I didn't know better, I would say that you despised my cooking and you thought that I was a waste of space in the kitchen who should never be allowed near food. Is that what you think My Lord? Is it? Do you think that My Lord? Do you? Is that what you think?' she asked sadly.

'Yes Bella. That is exactly what I think. But it's ok because you perform a good Cruciatus so you can stay around'

Bellatrix looked a little stunned as she watched Voldemort leave the room.

'Right then. I'll set up a dinner party for him! I'll show him that I am a domestic goddess!!'


	3. Draco and his Italians

The door bell of Malfoy Manor rang and Draco answered the door quickly.

'Here's your pizza from pizza paradise. When you take a bite you will be in paradise. It's Pizza. £13.85 please' the delivery boy said in a monotone voice. Draco looked at him for a second.

'Your speech thing sucks. I figured it was pizza when I ordered Hawaiian _pizza_. I wasn't exactly expecting fish and chips' He squashed a £20 note in the boys hand. 'Keep the change. Get some spot cream or something' he said as he slammed the door and rolled his eyes.

On his way to the living room, Draco passes the kitchen.

'Oi. Draco. Darling. Deary. Come here and help your Aunty Bella-la-la-la-la' Draco winced as he heard her chirpy voice. He loved his Aunty - he really did. When she was a manic depressive that is.

'Aunty Bella I really have to give these pizzas to Lord Vo-'

'Yes yes. Never mind that now. I need your help. You'll help me wont you Draco? Help me. Wont you. Help me' Draco sighed dramatically and nodded.

'GREAT! Now, I need to make spaghetti for Lord V' she stopped and grinned widely.

'Yesss…?' Draco said impatiently.

'How do you make it??' she asked. Draco looked at her and then closed his eyes and slowly began to count to 10. He has seen it on 'Nanny 911'

'1...2...'

'Draco?'

'3...4...'

'Darling?'

'5...'

'Deary?'

'6...7...'

'Are you having a breakdown?'

'9...'

'Are you?'

'10...'

'Draco?'

Draco opened his eyes to find Bellatrix an inch away from his face looking at him with wide, worried eyes.

'WOW! Aunty Bella! Teenager! Personal space!'

'WOW! Draco! Lord Voldemort! Spaghetti!' Draco almost screamed in frustration.

'Ok. Aunty Bellatrix' he said, speaking slowly so he wouldn't have to repeat himself 2, 3, 4 times.

'You go make yourself look pretty,' he said as Bellatrix slowly dipped her head into a nod, a small frown line between her brows.

'And I'll…'

'And you'll…' she repeated.

'And I'll order spaghetti for you from an Italian' he finished.

'And you'll order Spa…GENIUS! Draco you are a genius!' she said kissing him quickly then racing out of the room. Draco let out a sigh of relief and began to make his way towards the living room at last.

'WAIT!' Bellatrix reappeared at the door, a look of panic on her face. 'We don't know any Italians! We know Canadians. And Americans. And Germans. And Frenchans. But no Italians!' she cried.

'Aunty Bella just go get ready!!' Draco shouted. Bellatrix's eyes widened and her jaw dropped slightly before her eyes narrowed and she moved close to him.

'Don't you shout at ME Mr 'I-use-foreigners-for-my-every-whim'! I practically gave _birth_ to you and this is how you repay me?!' she exclaimed, throwing her arms wide.

'Aunty Bella. You didn't give _birth _to me. My _mother _did' Bellatrix looked unimpressed.

'Well the amount that Cissy moaned about it, I may as well have! You would have turned out better looking, that's for sure! And I resent that 'make yourself pretty' remark. I already _am_ pretty thank you _very _much!' she told him as she flicked her hair and began to walk up the stairs.

'Oww! Aunty Bella! MY EYE!'

'Oh! Hehe. Sorry Darling' she giggled as she shut her bedroom door.

As he went into the living room and gave Voldemort his cold pizza, the Dark Lord shit him a questioning look.

'Aunty Bellatrix' Draco sighed heavily.

'Oh. I see' Voldemort replied with a hint of sympathy in his voice.

'Don't feel sorry for _me My Lord. You have to have dinner with her!' Voldemort looked at Draco like he was in pain._

'_No joke' Draco added as he took a bite of his cold pizza. _

'_Ugh. Maybe I could get drunk' Voldemort sighed. 'Hey.. That isn't such a bad idea…..'_


	4. Bad Bair Day!

Draco watched as Voldemort downed another shot.

'So My Lord. Can I just ask you to explain this _one_ more time please?' he asked looking puzzled.

'Draco. My boy. One day you'll understand. There are some women that you just _don't _want to go on a date with. Your Aunty Bellatrix is a prime example of one of said women' he said as he slammed another shot glass onto the table.

'Uh Huh' Draco nodded. 'You've had 9 of those already My Lord. Oh.. 10. Don't you think you should slow down a little?' Voldemort winced at the bitterness of his next shot but continued to drink.

'Dark lords need a lot of alocohol Draco. I do NOT want to remember this day. Okay?'

The conversation was interrupted a few minutes later by a loud wail.

'LUCIUS!!' Bellatrix screamed as she thumped down the stairs. The door slammed open into the wall as Bellatrix flew into the room. Draco and Voldemort stared at her in complete shock.

'I have told him a _MILLION_ times to get me 'CUTE AND CURLY' shampoo! How, _HOW _he expect my hair to have that intimidating, untamed look if he _insists_ on buying 'SLEEK AND SEXY'?!?! The idiot can use _straightners _if he wants his hair to be straight!' she screamed, completing her tantrum with a rather aggressive foot stamp.

That did it. Draco and Voldemort collapsed into uncontrollable laughter at the sight of her. Bellatrixs hair, instead of being in the tangle of curls and waves pilled ontop of her head, was now hanging down her back like a black curtain with only a hint of a wave to it.

'How do you expect me to go out and terrorise the world looking like this My Lord? How? How My Lord?? HOW?' Voldemort slammed another glass onto the table which brought Draco back to earth with a jolt.

'My Lord. That's the twenty second shot…' his voice trailed off as he watched Voldemort get up and make his way over to Bellatrix.

'I think you, Bella-la-la-la-la-trixy, look gorgeous. Stunning. B-E-A-UTIFUL!' he slurred as he draped one arm round her shoulder and kissed her cheek. Bellatrix looked at him for a second. A wide eyed Voldemort look back at her, a face splitting grin on his face.

'AWW!! You are so damn _sweet!_ How sweet are _you?!_' she squealed loudly. 'Come on V. Lets eat. Draco? Food?' she asked as she turned to Draco who now had his head in his hands.

'Ohhhh' he groaned, looking up. 'It's not here yet.' Bellatrix frowned then seemed to have a bright idea.

'I'll set the table!! We'll use the fancy cutlery! Like, all fancy and stuff! I'll do that posh restaurant thing and put all the knives and forks in size order! Come on dear.'

'Knives!!' Voldemort shouted suddenly then collapsed back onto Bellatrixs shoulder.

'I'd like to cut your hair with a blunt knife bell-el-el-la. Your name has too many La-la-la's in it. It's awfully confusing'

'Yes My Lord. Knives. Hair. Quite… WAIT! You are not _touching_ my hair' she frowned as she pulled him out of the living room.

'Great' Draco muttered to himself. 'Drunk Voldmort. Crazed Bellatrix. How the _hell am I going to explain this to my parents?'_


	5. The Meal

Finally, the food arrived and Voldemort and Bellatrix sat down at the table ready to eat.

'No!! No we _can't eat yet!' Voldemort cried as he jumped up from his chair and promptly fell down. _

'_Are you okay dear?' Bellatrix asked distantly. She was currently more interested in viewing the world through the prongs of her fork and deciding it was kinda like having the bars of Azkaban back. _

'_Yes. Yes!' Voldemort giggled as he flicked out the lights. 'I think this electrickery is genius you know. But candles are so much more romantic, if you get my drift' he winked at Bellatrix with his 'seductive' face on. _

'_So they say' she replied dismissively. 'Would you like you like to know what I say My Lord?' I say we should eat because some Italian made this for us and we should eat it. Now.' _

_The pair sat in darkness as they ate. (Voldemort had quickly forgotten his candle idea once he had seen just how interesting the world was when seen through the prongs of a fork) and neither of them spoke until… _

'_Hmmmm. I think I may need to move down a cutlery size' Bellatrix grumbled, a small frown line between her brows, as she looked at the oversized serving spoon and fork that she held in her hands. 'Do you know who would be able to use these My Lord? Do you? Do you know who My Lord?' Voldemort shook his head vigerously as he slurped up more spagetti. 'Giants' Bellatrix bluntly and the room went back to silence as they both continued to eat, Bellatrix now eating with an appropriately sized fork and spoon. _

'_Bella-la. IGottaTellYouSomething' Voldemort said quickly, standing up and looking very much like a naughty school boy. _

'_Eh? Wha? Huh?' Bellatrix looked confused. _

'_I. Gotta. Tell. You. Something.' he blushed._

'_Ohhhh. What dear? Come on, tell your little Bellatrix'_

_Voldemort looked at the floor for a moment, shifted his feet and then looked into Bellatrixs wide eyes. _

'_I love you!' he cried, then ran from the room giggling loudly. _

_Bellatrix looked at the space that the Dark Lord had occupied moments before blankly. _

'_Oh. Silly man. His dinner will get cold if he doesn't come back soon' she muttered as she went on eating as if she hadn't just a Dark Lord's love declared to her. _


	6. ABBAsolutly Crazy!

Draco sat at his desk with his quill in his hand.

'When lavender is mixed with mandrake root it forms…' he had been stuck on the same sentence for over 10 minutes. It was a simple potions essay and he was _good _at potions, but there were other things on his mind at the moment. For instance, why had there been complete silence for over half an hour? The lack of noise was not peaceful, it was positively nerve wracking. Putting down his quill dejectedly, Draco walked over to the door and reluctantly opened it. He didn't really want to know what it was that his Aunty was up to, but there was a good chance that she had either hurt, or killed herself. Opening it, he was hit by a very loud thumping noise and also by a thought. His parents had out a silencing charm on his door. Of _course. _So that was why he hadn't heard anything! There could be a war going on outside and he wouldn't have heard it. Or Bellatrix could have been doing _anything _and he wouldn't have heard it.

Following the thumping noise down the hall, he realised that it was coming from his parents' bedroom. But his parents weren't in.

Hesitantly, he pushed open the door and instantly realised that the thumping noise was, infect, music and what was more, Bellatrix was jumping up and down on his parents bed, wand in hand, shooting multicoloured sparks in every direction.

'Erm… Aunty Bella. What are you doing?' Draco asked amazed. Bellatrix had not seen him though due to the fact that she was currently bouncing facing the other direction. Bending her knees, she stuck her bum out and wiggled it enthusiastically. But instead of her usual black, she was clad head-to-toe in neon yellow. A neon yellow cat suit to be precise. With silver flared legs and giant sleeves which fanned out every time she reached up to fire another spark.

'Dancing queen!! Young and sweet!! Only seventeen!!' she yelled happily as she finally bounced round to face Draco. 'Oh! Deary, come on. Dance with me! Draco! Dance with me Draco! With me! Your aunty Bellatrix!!' she cried as Draco looked on horrified. 'Draco! Look I can do the splits like Merry Beep did in that film!!' she laughed as she jumped up as high as she could and stuck her legs out as far as she could. It turned out to be more like a star jump then the splits but she still looked overly pleased with herself as she sat on the bed panting. A silence fell between them as Bellatrix tried to catch her breath and Draco… Well he didn't know quite what to say.

_You're a teaser. You turn them on. _

_Leave them burning and then your gooooooone_

'Erm. Yes. So Aunty Bellatrix. Where is Lord Voldemort?' he asked trying to move the conversation away from all things crazy.

'Oh. Under the bed.' Bellatrix said lightly. 'he doesn't think I know he is there. But if you would like to look to my left, you will clearly see a foot. I assumed it wasn't you because you must have been in your room. You would have heard the fire alarm go off if you weren't...and the explosion' she added as an after thought. Draco paled even more then natural.

'What expl- you know what? I don't even want to know. Why is the Dark Lord under my parents' bed?' he asked feeling rather stressed.

'Well I can only assume that yours was too small for him to fit under. He is a Dark Lord after all and he does have a _very _large cloak. It's in the job description!' she stated with a matter of fact nod of her head.

'Aunty Bellatrix. Why was he _hiding?' Draco asked exasperated. _

'_Oh!' Bellatrix giggled girlishly. 'he declared his love for me' she whispered. 'It was quite sweet really; she said, more to herself. 'I will have to get Rodolphus to declare his love for me. Possibly on top of a skyscraper. Or a mountain'_

_Draco, meanwhile, was busy dragging a rather unamused looking Dark Lord out from under the bed by his ankle._

'_Now My Lord. Would you like to explain yourself?' he said, sitting him down on the edge of the bed and trying to suppress a giggle as the Dark Lord sighed heavily._


	7. Bella finds the coffee

**Thank you to Kay'r and AngelofDarkness1605 for their ongoing support. It is really appreciated!! **

**Please Read && Review!! And enjoy!! **

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Bellatrix looked down at her feet which were stuffed into metallic silver platform shoes and clicked her heels together in a wizard of oz kinda way before lifting one foot, shaking it around a lot and laughing manically as the silver material of her fkared leg caught the light. Draco looked at his aunt and saw her for what she really was; insane. But at the moment, a certain feared dark lord required his attention.

'Now. My Lord. Shall we sit down and sort this whole mess out?' he asked soothingly as he sat next to Voldemort on the bed. Voldemort was, however, watching Bellatrix intently, a wide eyed look on his face.

'You know, she really shakes her feet in a way I have never seen done before. It is so elegant. Aww! And look at her now! How can she jump so _high_?'

'Erm. By bending her knees and springing upo My Lord. Now…Why do you suddenly love Aunty Bellatrix when you couldn't stand her a few hours ago?' Draco and Voldemort locked eyes as Bellatrix began to randomly point her wand at objects and blow them up.

'Well you see Draco. Your aunty Bellatrix-'

'Weeeeee!!! Look at the lamp _break!!!'_

'looks very different-'

'Aha!! Nearly got your head that time Draco!'

'When you-'

'Darling'

'Are drunk.'

'Deary!'

After a moment of utter chaos, silence fell in the bedroom. The only sound was Bellatrixs footsteps as she circled around Draco and Lord Voldemort, arms thrown wide, head back looking at the ceiling, doing a rain dance.

'So you like her because you are drunk?' Draco asked slowly.

'Yes. Pretty much' Voldemort leaned forward and in a pantomime whisper continued 'She really is quite annoyingly insane. But with beer goggles on…' he quickly traced a glowing outline of a pair of glasses in the air and moved his head forward so they appeared to be on him 'she is wonderful' he finished with a love sick sigh.

'Yes. Yes wonderful'Draco said impatiently. 'Come on. You need coffee.'

Bellatrix stopped spinning around at the mention of the word 'coffee'

'Coffee!!!' she cried loudly. 'Come on Voldie! Race you to the coffee pot!!' she screamed, already half way out the door. Draco pulled Voldemorts hand with a determined look on his face.

'Look My Lord. We need to get you sober. And quickly or you'll do something you will regret…uh.. Where is Aunty Bella?' he asked as he reached the bottom of the stairs. But Bellatrix was nowhere to be seen, there was only a coffee pot left on the table.

An empty coffee pot.


	8. Where are you Bellatrix?

'Aunty Belllla!!!'

'Bellatrix come here you smouldering thing!'

'Aunty Bellatrix please come and talk to me!'

'Miss Trix-la-la-la-Bella! I have a huuuuuug for yoooou'

The odd pair walked through Malfoy manor calling for Bellatrix but despite looking in every room, they couldn't find the crazy witch anywhere. Draco turned to Lord Voldemort who had just sat down in the middle of the floor with a heavy sigh. This was the last thing he needed.

'Get up My Lord. You look messy sitting there'

'Don't care'

'My Lord. Please! Mother is supposed to be back any minute and we really need to find Aunty Bella!'

'Bella! Like Fella! Only she is not a man. And Bella is a real name' Voldemort though out loud.

Yes M'Lord. Well I cant find her'

'And Bella has a B. Fella has a F'

'Yes My Lord. Now please get up!' Voldemort gave Draco a particularly evil look.

'Think yourself lucky I have misplaced my wand Draco or you would be on the loor writhing in pain! Possibly dead. Or hanging out the window'

Dracos eyes shot wide but not at the threat.

'You've lost your wand?!'

'Misplace. Yes.' Voldemort confirmed with a nod.

'Misplaced and lost are the same thing!' Draco snapped, not amused that he would now have to find the Dark Lords wand aswell as Bellatrix.

'AHHHHH' he was distracted as he screamed at the top ohf his voice. His dear Aunty Bellatrix came running out from behind the nearest curtain, screaming like a banshee, and jumped on Dracos back.

Aunty Bella!!! Get OFF!' he yelled.

'Aw aw aw aw awwwwwww' Bellatrix called in a Tarzen fashion.

'Everybody's got a mate called DAVE!' Voldemort called, feeling left out of all the noise making.

Bellatrix, who was still on Dracos back, legs clamped around his waist, laughed and wailed loudly as Draco tried again and again to throw her off of him but to no avail. He turned and twisted but she still clung on.

'Aunty…Bella!' he panted but she was now sending sparks at him from her wand.

'This is such a good GAME! I shall call it 'The game of wind up Draco'' she squealed as she bounced up and down on his back.

But her bouncing caused Draco to loose his footing and sent the pair tumbling down the stairs.

Bellatrix looked up with a huge smile on her face and a wide cut down her face which was pouring scarlet.

'Cissy!!!' she yelled, untangling herself from Draco and pelting at her sister who stood in the doorway looking rather shocked.

As Narcissa looked through her sisters hair and over her shoulder, she saw a scene that she could only describe as havoc. Her son lay worryingly still at the bottom of the stairs. Her sister was hugging her tighly obviously having not taken her pills… and was the coffee she could smell? And the Dark Lord was repeatedly throwing himself over the banister rein acting the Bellatrix/Draco fall.

Boy, did Draco have some explaining to do.

If he was alive that was.****


	9. The Hospital Idea

'Bella. Bella please' Narcissa whined as she tried to unclamp Bellatrixs arms from around her neck.

'But I've _missed_ you Cissy! Oh so _much._ I amazed myself at how much I missed you!'

'yes. Yes very good. Now Bellatrix. I need to see if Draco is still alive! Please!' she cried as she finally shoved Bellatrix off her.

'Lucius! I've _missed _you … wait. No. I forgot. I loath you' she said, shooting Lucius evils as she walked away from him, a disgusted look on her face. Narcissa chose to ignore this particular exchange and moved over to where her son was lying lifelessly on the floor.

'Oi. Bellatrix. What's up with your hair?' Lucius asked smugly as he looked over Bellatrix with mocking eyes. Staring back at him with as much contempt as she could muster, she replied

'You. YOU happened to my hair Lucius. As you well know you did' Lucius's lips spread into a wide smile and he laughed cruelly.

'You two!! Draco is bleeding!' Narcissa interrupted their conversation with a terrified cry. 'My Lord. Do something!'

Voldemort wondered over to where Draco lay and put one finger to his lips and thought about what he could do. He _was_ the 'Dark Lord' he _should_ do something. But what? That was the question. What to do.. What to do….

'I cant think what to do' he eventually concluded looking up to Narcissa's wide eyes.

'Oh Cissy! I know! Ask me! Ask me Cissy!! Ask me! Cissy! Ask me!! I know! I know! Cissy! Ask me! Ask me Cissy! I know! Ask me! I know Cissy! Cissy! Ask me! I know! Ask me! Ask me Cissy!' Bellatrix yelled as she held her hand about her head as high into the air as she could and waved in front of Narcissas face.

'What Bellatrix?! What do we do?' she asked impatiently trying to keep her panic to a reasonable level.

'We go to a hospital!! There is one down the road!' she yelled, her eyes bright with the thrill of the idea. She loved muggle hospitals. There was so much blood everywhere. Although there were down sides. I.e. the muggles.

'Bella. We cannot take the Dark Lord to a muggle hospital!' Narcissa cried. 'he will kill everyone that tries to help Draco' Voldemort looked up at the mention of his name.

'It's true. I will' he said matter of factly.

'It doesn't matter! V can stay here! But I'll come' Bellatrix smiled happily as Lucius sighed.

'Bellatrix. You are in no fit state to come with us to the-'

'CRUCIO!' Bellatrix screamed, pointing her wand at Lucius. As Bellatrix held the spell on him, Lucius writhed in pain, screams coming from his mouth.

'Bella STOP!!' Narcissa screamed as she saw her husband in the air thrashing around and her sister casually flicking her wand and laughing manically. 'Bellatrix Lestrange! STOP IT!' Narcissa screamed as she brought her hand up and slapped her sister squarley round the face.

'Oi! Cissy! That was a good one! Why do you have to ruin _everything_?' she pouted as Lucius fell to the floor, panting heavily. '

'Bella. Seriously. Do NOT do that again! it's the third time this week. You'll end up killing him!'

'That's the plan' Bellatrix beamed as she watched Lucius stumble to his feet, enjoying every second of his pain.

'Whay!!! Good one Bella! Slap it' Voldemort cried as he walked over and held his hand up for Bellatrix to high five.

'I know right. Pretty good. I was really enjoying that until _someone'_ she glared at Narcissa 'went and ruined it! Some people are such spoil sports!'

'Don't worry dear. There will be another chance. There always is' Voldemort reassured her, chuckling slightly as Lucius attempted to flatten his hair.

'RIGHT! Anyway' Narcissa cried as she pointed to a still limp Draco 'we need to get him help. As soon as possible. Come on. Stop talking. Get him to the muggle hospital' she yelled at Lucius.

As Draco was levitated in front of them, Narcissa, Lucius, Voldemort and Bellatrix followed in a funeral prosession kind of way.

'You know what. You shouldn't be here' Bellatrix whispered to Voldemort.

'I know' Voldemort replied with a wink. 'Fancy getting up to some mischief? Kill a few muggles maybe? Unplug a few machines?' Bellatrix looked at him, a wide smile plastered on her face.

'Always' she replied as they continued walking.


	10. The Name Tag Problem

**Sorry I haven't updated for SO long!! I have been on holiday in Germany but this is quite a long chapter and I hope that there will be a few more soon!!! Thanks for reading!!! **

**Please read and review!! I love you!! :X And enjoy... of course ;)**

As Narcissa filled in yet another form, the rest of the party sat on the chairs in the waiting room to… well… Wait.

'Cissy. Cissy seriously. How long does it take to fill in a few forms? This is getting ridiculous!' Bellatrix grumbled as she folded her arms across her chest and pouted.

'Well we all know that it would take you a lot longer wouldn't it Bellatrix? Baring in mind your difficulty with reading and writing' Lucius mocked. Without saying a word, Bellatrix withdrew her wand and began to take a great interest in the tip of it. She then looked up at Lucius with a raised eyebrow.

'I'm sorry. What was that Lucius? I didn't quite heat you. Would you like to tell my wand that?' she asked in a sickle sweet tone.

'Ohhh. Your arse is going to get Crucio-ed again Lucius. You know what? We could tie your hair around your head and use it as a gag couldn't we?' Voldemort mused aloud.

'Yes. Yes we could.' Bellatrix grinned as she mentally measured Lucius heir.

'Okay so I think I have filled in everything and Draco should be fine.' Narcissa said with a sigh of relief as she shoved the clipboard back into the receptionists hands and walked back over to where her husband sat.

'Excellent. Isn't that excellent news Bellatrix? Although, of course, we wouldn't even be here is it weren't for yourself but lets overlook that minor detail shall we?' Lucius beamed at Bellatrix, sarcasm dripping from his words.

'Yes. Lets. I don't think we need to let little things like why he is in hospital stop us from having a good time while we are here. Come on V. I want to visit the gift shop.' Bellatrix smiled back as she took Voldemorts' hand and dragged him out of the plastic seat that he was sat on.

'Do you have to be so rude to her? She is my sister Lucius. She is a pure blood. And she isn't there to be treated like a muggle' Narcissa frowned as her sister disappeared round a corner.

'Yes I do Narcissa. And do you know why? Because she starts it' Narcissa let out a laugh at his words.

'All you need is a stuck out chin and you would be exactly like a three year old' Lucius quickly stuck out his chin and pouted.

'Voldie!! Look! Flowers!'

'Ahhhh'

'Voldie!! Look! Balloons!'

'Ohhh'

'Voldie!! Look! Cards!'

'Uhhhh'

'Voldie! Look! THINGS WITH NAMES ON!'

'Do you think they will have 'Oh Dark Lord Almighty' on one of them?' Voldemort asked as he followed Bellatrix over to where she was now stood by a large rack containing key rings with various names printed on them.

'Of course they will!' she yelled as she spun the rack round rather vigorously to get to the 'B' section. 'Right. Let's have a look. Becca…Becky… Beth… Wait. That's not right' a line appeared between her brows as she frowned at the sudden skip of a very important name.

Bellatrix spun the rack around; making sure that the board with her name hadn't been places anywhere else.

'No… Not there. V, they're missing my name! I mean MY name! How DARE they?!' she roared, grabbing Voldemort by the cloak and dragging him towards the till. The Dark Lord, still holding a bunch of name tags, dropped them on the counter and began playing with a sponge bob pen while Bellatrix verbally abused the shop assistant.

'Is there a problem?' The old woman asked, pushing her horn rimmed glasses further up her nose. Bellatrix drew in a deep breath before standing on her tip toes and broadened her shoulders.

'Yes. Yes there is! Where is my name?' The elderly woman started blankly at Bellatrix for a moment.

'Erm. On your birth certificate?' This made Bellatrix have the blank look and then her eyes narrowed.

'Don't get stupid with me _muggle. My name! N.A.Y.M. Where is it?!' Bellatrix asked again, slapping her palms down on the glass counter. _

'_Oh. You mean the name tags? Ah… Well.. What's your name love?' The old woman asked as she looked at the glass beneath Bellatrixs hands with a slightly concerned expression on her wrinkled face. _

'_What is my- are you STUPIS? Everyone knows my name! V, tell her! Everyone'_

_Voldemort looks up; he was now wearing the pairs of glasses over his eyes, a head band with the name 'Victoria' on, and several Pokemon stickers on his cheeks. _

'_Yes. Everyone. Silly women' Voldemort sighed; and then burst into hysterical laughter. _

'_Yes… Quite…Your name?' the woman asked, clearly loosing her patience. _

'_I'll give you a clue. It begins with… Erm… oh… B!' Bellatrix grinned proudly, and crossed her arms over her chest. _

'_Err…Bethany?'_

'_No! Do I LOOK like a five year old? Don't answer that'_

'_Becky?'_

'_Nooo!! Becky?? That is officially the worst name in the world!'_

'_Bertha?'_

'_What?! Are you deliberately insulting me?'_

'_Bianca?'_

'_Rickkkaaaaaay!!!-No'_

'_Binky?'_

'_Are you serious?'_

'_Becca?'_

'_I said no!'_

'_B…b…Belle?'_

'_No- but your getting closer'_

'_Belle…erm…Bell-a?'_

'_Yes!! Bella what?'_

'_Bella..Rose?'_

'_Bella Rose? No man!'_

'_Bella-'_

'_Begins with a T'_

'_Bella-Teeeeee?'_

'_Now I understand why the Dark Lord refuses to have old people join the death eaters…'_

'_Bella Ted?'_

'_Seriously. I hate old people'_

'_Bella - Toy?'_

'_Really, really hate them'_

'_Bella-ting'_

'_I would like to see this woman dead. Please'_

'_Bella… Tooth?'_

'_I do like teeth'_

'_Bellatr-'_

'_IX! Bella-TRIX! MY NAME IS BELLATRIX!'_

'_My name is VOLDEMORT!' Voldemort screamed as he burst a party popper over his head. _

_The old woman shook her head in disbelief at the obviously mental women in front of her. _

'_Well I am sorry Miss BellaTRIX but we do not have you name. It is very unusual you see.'_

'_You suck'_

'_How dare you-'_

'_Bella-la-la-la-la?' Voldemort butted in, and both women turned to see him looking up at them trying to make a 'puppy dog; face. _

'_Yes M'Lord?' Bellatrix asked patiently. _

'_I…I…I think that I may have, like, eating something that I…perhaps…like, shouldn't have'_

'_Like what My Lord?' Bellatrix walked towards the Dark Lord looking rather worried. _

'_Well…I think it was the 'Victor' tag' he frowned. 'But it could have been the 'Victoria' one. I was very fond of them both' he smiled at the memory of the two tags. _

'_But on second thoughts. It could have been the 'Viv' one. I didn't like that one'_

_Bellatrix looked at Voldemort for a while and then threw her head back and laughed, much to the surprise of the old woman who was beginning to be very worried about the insane couple that stood in her shop. _


	11. Draco wakes

**Hey. This one is for Kay'r for all the help that she gave me on the last chapter. **

**See if you can spot the Sweeney Todd quote ;)**

**Please Read&&Review!!!! And enjoy. xx**

--------------

'Darling.. Darling how are you?'

…

'Hey son. You just try and get well now ok? '

…

'Why the _hell_ do I have to be here?'

Draco heard snippets of conversations as he faded in and out of conciseness. He knew that he knew the voices.. But he just couldn't remember who they belonged to.. Or who he was.

'ehh.. Waaaaa' he weezed as he tried to open his eyes. His throat was so dry, he couldn't manage to say a word but when he peeled his eyes open, he saw a woman dressed all in black with a rather over the top hairdo. As he moved, she glanced up from inspecting what appeared to be a stick.

'Oh your awake. About bloody time'

'Wa… wa…'

'If you want some water, then ask for it. I'm not willing to play your stupid guessing games' Bellatrix snapped as she rolled her eyes and handed Draco a glass of water from his bedside table that he was sure hasn't been there before.

'Thank you' Draco croaked as he downed the glass. 'Who are you?' he asked afterwards looking at the women as she sat back in her seat. Her head slowly lifted and she looked into his eyes.

'You don't know who I am?'

'Should I?' The women literally lept off her chair and to the side of the bed. Taking his hand, she looked into his eyes.

'Oh my poor baby!! I am your mother darling! I clothe you, I feed you. I even teach you how to sing'

'You do?' Draco asked curiously. He could sing?

'Come on darling. Now lets practise shall we. Lets get those vocals warmed up. Do some 'la la la's' for me my precious. Come on' Draco frowned. He could _sing? _

_'_La la la la la laaaaa' he sang in an arrpegio of notes.

'Ye.. yes baby.. ve.. very good' Bellatrix said as she tried not to splutter and let her laughter out. 'Come on. one more. Just one more baby 'Oh oh ohhh's's

'Oh oh Ohhhhhhhhhh' Draco sang. I can _sing! _He internally though. How amazing is this?!?

'Yeah ok so we better stop that before you kill someone. How much do you remember darling? How much? Come one. Tell mummy'

Draco tried to think back but was met by a blank wall of nothingness.

'Erm.. Nothing. I cant remember anything.' His 'mother' clutched his hand tighter and threw her head back.

'Ohh NO. My poor, POOR baby!!! How could he do this to you? How? HOW COULD HE?!'

'Erm.. How could who do what?' Draco asked, a very confused expression firmly fixed on his face.

'You.. You don't remember that either? Oh he is terrible. The darkest man of them all. He has no heart. Come to think of it, I don't know how he is alive. He is evil itself!' she wept as she brought Dracos hand to her chest and held it tight to her.

'Who?'

'LUCIUS! Oh even the name makes my knees tremble and my heart sink!' Draco watched as she fell back into the chair and covered her eyes, presumably to hide the tears that were falling from her eyes.

'Wha.. What did he do?'

'He…' Bellatrixs voice fell to a whisper. 'He… He tried to kill you'

'He what?! Why?!'

'Be…Because he hates me. Draco if you ever see him, scream. He will try and try again until he succeeds. Scream your heart out and whatever you do, don't speak to him' Draco nodded, his eyes wide as the women jumped back up to his bed and, with wide eyes, lent towards him. 'You'll know who he is my baby. He has long, blonde hair, obviously dyed, hanging down his back. Straight as a poker. He carries a cane. A cane that he uses to hit anyone he can reach. A quick swipe and you will be on the floor. He does not care. He with no pity in his heart' she faded away and buried her head in the cover of Dracos bed. Suddenly her 'crying' was interrupted by a ear splitting scream and she was shaken so hard, she nearly hit Draco herself. But when she looked up and followed Dracos gaze, she saw that he was only doing what he had been told to do - he was screaming at Lucius.


	12. Authors Note

**Hey everyone. **

**I usually hate it when people post one massive A/N as a chapter and so I'm going to keep this short. **

**I know that I haven't updated this fic in such a long time! But I really want to start writing it again! It's the first (and only) ooc fic that I have done and I remember having so much fun writing it, so there will be regular updates once again. **

**I was just wondering if there is anyone that still has an eye on this fic and would still be reading it? It's been such a long time since it was last posted. **

**I would also like to say that I'm aware how tragic my spelling, grammer and general presentation of the last 11 chapters has been. This is something that I really wanted to fix and internally cringe at now, but it has gone way past the stage of being fixable, so any new readers (or those incredibly loyal readers who have stuck with this) bare with me and from now on, I can promise that these glitches will be fixed in future chapters. **

**A new chapter will be up as soon as possible. **

**Thanks : ) **

**MBRB 'ox**


	13. Bellatrix's mind games

**Enjoy : ) Reviews are, as always, very much appreciated : ) **

**MBRB 'ox **

'What the hell?' Lucius stood in the doorway of the clean white room ,his eyes wide as his beloved son appeared to freak over his very existence.

'That's it baby, scream! He's evil! Pure evil!' Bellatrix shouted over to her 'son' as she lounged back into the chair that had been provided by the hospital, her eyes on Lucius. Behind him, Narcissa tried to take in the scene before she found Bellatrix and her eyes narrowed. This had her sister written all over it.

'Bellatrix, what have you done? Why is Draco terrified of us?' Narcissa pushed past her husband and walked over to where Bellatrix sat, her eyes sparkling in amusement.

'He's not scared of you, Cissy' she said innocently. 'Only Lucius. Because he's evil and tried to kill him, my poor little Dracey-wakey' her voice dripped with sickly sugar but her eyes shone and her lips were spread into a massive grin. Her sister, however, did not seem to find it quite as amusing. Bellatrix stood and moved over to where Draco was lying staring at Lucius with terror and his breath heavy. 'Don't worry baby, Mummy's here' she said as she held Draco close to her and stroked his hair in a comforting manner.

'MUMMY?' Lucius screamed. What was she playing at? Bellatrix was the one woman in the world who didn't have a single maternal bone in her body, let alone be able to raise a son who didn't have deep emotional and mental scarring. 'He's not your son, Bellatrix, you crazy person!' Bellatrix covered Dracos ears momentarily and a sly smile slid across her face.

'He doesn't know that' she beamed, her eyes wide with excitement. 'As far as he's concerned, I'm his loving Mummy and you're the big bad man who tried to kill him. Funny, isn't it' she laughed loudly as she uncovered Draco's ears and began to bounce on the bed beside him. Narcissa walked straight over to her sister and grabbed her wrist sharply, yanking her away from her son and threw her back in the chair that she had been sat in not that long ago.

'You are wrong in the head' she hissed.

'Probably' Bellatrix grinned back, folding her legs up under her and fiddling with her wand with only mild interest to the conversation on her face. 'But hey, what you gonna do about it?' Lucius was slowly approaching Draco with his hands held up in front of him in a 'a mean you no harm' gesture.

'Draco, son. I'm not going to hurt you'

'Son? What? You're my _dad_?'

'Yes I am. You're a Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. And I'm Lucius Malfoy your dad and that's Narcissa Malfoy, your mother' he said very slowly as he continued to approach the bed. Draco looked over at the two women by the chair and repeated his mothers name, naturally looking at Bellatrix.

'Yeah that's me! Narcissa. Stupid name isn't it' Bellatrix said brightly, waving one hand dramatically in the air as a way of saying hello. The real Narcissa gave her a swift slap around the side of her head and turned to Draco.

'Im Narcissa. This is your Aunty Bellatrix. You need to ignore everything she ever tells you Draco, because she's going to be lying. She had mental problems'

'Hey, I _am _right here and I _can _hear you' Bellatrix protested from behind her sister.

'Mores the pity' Lucius replied coldly.

'Not too late to Crucio you Lucy' she spat back, her wand held up and pointed at him.

'She's... my Aunty? Not my Mum' Draco asked, very confused.

'Yes. And don't forget the 'she's crazy' part Draco. Never forget the crazy part' Lucius told him softly. Draco stared up at his father in relief, now knowing that his life was not in danger by being in the same room as the blonde man.

'So...you didn't try and kill me?' he asked, trying to get confirmation that he wasn't going to die.

'No son. Never'

'So... how did I end up in here?' His words hung in the air for a moment as his parents exchanged glances and then both turned and stared pointedly at Bellatrix Lestrange who was now lounging once again the small chair, her legs hanging over the edge of one of the arms and her elbow rested on the other, her head rested in one of her palms and a massive grin on her lips at the not-so-distant but hilarious memory of how she had pretty much single handedly put her nephew in hospital.

**Thanks for reading **


	14. The Lady of Adoration

**A/N**

**I really hope you all like this chapter, with it's 'special guest' . She's a massive inspiration to me and I just know that (my version) of Voldy would fall in love with her straight away ;) **

**MBRB'xoxo**

It had been two weeks since the whole 'Draco falling down the stairs' incident - that Bellatrix was firmly refusing to talk about or acknowledge in any way - had happened. Draco however, had been firmly refusing to be in the same room as his crazed Aunty. He figured that anyone who would try and convince him that his own father was a raging lunatic and, more so, after his blood, was not worthy of his presence. What he didn't know was that since Bellatrix had been 'let out' of Azkaban, she did _not _like being ignored. The sociopathic witch would do anything in her power to get the attention that she craved so much; she was much like a three year old in this respect.

The Dark Lord and Bellatrix sat darkly together on the dark, plush sofa that sat in the Malfoy's dark living room. Bellatrix had her feet over Voldemort's legs and he was absent-mindedly drawing circles on her shin as she pressed random buttons on a remote for the glowing contraption that held dominance in the centre of the room.

'Oh, for Merlin's sake! Why do these muggles have to put on the same monotonous crap every day of the week?' she sighed, throwing her head back against the sofa and letting out a long, dramatic moan of annoyance.

'Shut up, beast. I'm watching Graham Norton. Helena Bonham Carter is on it this week! Oh, I do love that woman. She's everything I've ever dreamed of being,' Voldemort swooned, his eyes fixed on the plasma screen that now took up half of the wall, and looked very out of place in the room that the Malfoys had tastefully decorated in way that was fitting for a room in an ancient mansion which was used for serious conversations and meetings.

Bellatrix and Voldemort had gone shopping the week before and had come back with numerous muggle contraptions including a hairdryer, a tumble dryer, a sewing machine, a space-hopper, a 'How To Yoyo' DVD and a Bopit extreme - courtesy of Voldemort's growing curiosity. But that's another story. Bellatrix stared at the woman that had appeared on her screen and her nose wrinkled as she took in her heavy black worker boots, white and red knee length socks, patterned pale pink dress with multiple chain necklaces with random charms on, and bird nest hair which had an assortment of clips and ribbons carelessly tied into it.

'Too many colours,' was the only insult that she could muster as the woman who wore everything she could possibly fit on - without exploding like that small donkey in the children's game did every time Bellatrix placed the small plastic objects on its back - curled her feet up on the set's sofa and began to ramble on, answering a question completely irrelevant to the one that had been asked.

'Too much fabulous!' Voldemort retorted, shocked that anyone could find fault with the vision of perfection on the mysterious contraption. As Helena gave out one of her signature filthy giggles, Voldemort's face contorted into an expression of true adoration and a squeal escaped his thin lips. Bellatrix looked at him in shock.

'My Lord. My _DARK _lord. I think that you just... squealed? Am I correct? Did I just hear you _right_, My Lord?'

'How can you _not _squeal Bellatrix? Come ON! Look at her! She's wild! She's crazy! She's FREAKING ADORABLE! I have half a mind to go and whack out the unforgivables on that husband of hers and steal her away all for myself!' A distant look fell over his face as he daydreamed of the good times that they would have together, picking out shoes for one another and then swapping one so they would have one of each pair on, sharing secrets on how to get the most voluptuous hair possible, and then she could teach him how to make his laugh sound so dirty. He was growing pretty tired of his dark cackle; it really was time for a change.

Silence met him as he was pulled from his day dreams by Bellatrix's dark eyes piercing him and her face void of all emotion. Perhaps it was time that she stopped slipping caffeine into everything that the Dark Lord drank, ate or inhaled. 'What?' he asked when she didn't say a word...or blink, come to think of it.

'Nothing,' she replied darkly. Who was this crazy woman to waltz onto this Tela-ma-bob and steal the Dark Lord's heart without even showing the smallest of signs of being darker than dark? It wasn't fair! Bellatrix yanked her feet away from where Voldemort was now tracing 'HBC's on her shin and stood up abruptly.

'And they're not married,' she spat at him, looking down on him with disgust.

'What?' Voldemort asked her, confusion in his voice.

'Helena and Tim Burton are _not_ married. They may live together. They may have two kids, but why must people _assume _they're married? Ohhhh two people are in love, they MUST be wed. Pffftttt the media these days! Does my head in!' her hands flew around wildly as her voice got louder and faster as she explained the ins and outs of the Bonham Carter/Burton relationship. 'I mean, every two second, 'Oh, how's your husband? How's the husband?' and she has the decency to not be like 'WE'RE NOT MARRIED! GET YOUR BLOODY FACTS STRAIGHT'. Call themselves reporters.

'Report the truth then! Imbeciles. They drive me crazy with their idiotic ways. If they don't want to get married, THEY DON'T HAVE TO! If they want to live in separate houses, THEY CAN! Just leave them alone to live their perfect lives and be happy with their matching striped socks and round glasses, and move on. NOTHING TO SEE HERE PEOPLE! MOVE RIGHT ALONG!' As her hands came down to rest by her sides again after flapping at an incredible rate around her head, she took a deep breath and stared at Voldemort in frustration.

Her face had shown more expression in the last minute then he thought he had ever seen her express and they just stared at each other before Bellatrix gave out a frustrated sigh, turned on her heels and stormed from the room ready to go in search of Draco and make him speak to her again, no matter what it took.

Voldemort thought that Bellatrix may like Helena Bonham Carter more than she had originally let on. Ignoring his crazy follower, Voldemort fell back into a pleasant day dream of what life with Helena Bonham Carter would be like. Whipping out his new Apple Mac, he did a quick google of Tim Burton to see exactly what it was that he was competing with wo win the affections of the wonderful woman...and then it struck him. After staring at a photo of the couple together laughing for quite some time and wondering what it was the large difference between Tim and the Dark hunk of love himself, it was with brutal distress that the Dark Lord came to the conclusion that he and Helena could never truly be together. With tears welling up in his ember eyes, Voldemort let out a pitiful wail and jumped from the sofa, ran from the room.

The habitants of Malfoy Manor were all suddenly greeted with the single-handedly most painful cry they had ever heard. "I HAVE NO WILD HAAAIIIIRRRRR!"

**Reviews are so appreciated : ) **

**xoxo **


	15. Sneaking up on Draco

**A/N I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**As always, please review. I love to hear your thoughts! Thanks! **

**MBRB'OX**

Bellatrix heard the cry of misery that the Dark Lord had given out as she was walking up the grand staircase in the Malfoy Mansion. Her destination; Draco's room.

When she got to his reasonably plain looking door, she saw that it hadn't been pulled completely shut and she could see into it clearly. This also meant that she knew Draco was writing at his desk with his back to her. Bonus. Pushing the door open with as little noise as she could manage, she tried to suppress a chuckle as she planned her next move. She stealthily dropped to her knees and began to crawl across the deep green carpet that covered Dracos' floor and began to slowly crawl over to where he was sat. One hand was picked up and placed silently in front of her. Then a leg. Then the other hand. Then the other leg. Excellent. She had moved at least 9 centimetres. And so she repeated this process for a good 3 minutes, occasionally stopping and trying to hold back the bubble of laughter that was building in her stomach and threatening to pop and give her away. She had crawled past his bed and was getting pretty close to him when disaster struck and Draco turned his head to look directly at her. But a genius thought struck Bellatrix just as she thought she was really done for... perhaps if she stayed really _really _still and didn't move a muscle, he wouldn't see her! The leg that she had been half way through lifting and moving forward stopped a couple of inches above the ground and hung there in midair, her eyes froze wide open as stared at where the back of his head had been and her whole body stayed precisely where it had been when he had turned. Much to her relief, Draco seemed to avoid making eye contact with her – she knew it would all have been over if he had met her eyes – and turned back to whatever it was that he had been writing.

A shaky breath came from Bellatrix and she put her leg down and started to move forward again, this time being even quieter if that was possible. Finally, she managed to get close enough to Draco that she would easily be able to scare him. Raising herself up, she reached her arms up to make herself big and fearsome, opened her mouth ready to give an ear piercing scream (she'd perfected it in Azkaban) and –

'Aunty Bellatrix. Get out' Draco told her, no expression in his voice as he continued writing. Bellatrix's jaw dropped. How did he know she was behind him? He must have used some all-seeing charm that she was unaware of. Perhaps the boy wasn't a dumbass as she had previously been sure of.

'How did you know I was here Draco?' she wailed, throwing her head back in frustration and giving a little foot stamp to make sure he knew she wasn't happy about his sneaky charming. Draco turned to look at his crazy Aunt and frowned. Perhaps there really wasn't any intelligence buried deep within her as he had previously been sure of.

'Aunty, I turned and looked _straight _at you' he explained as though talking to a very small, very idiotic child. Bellatrix wrinkled her brow in confusion.

'Noo...That's not right. You turned and I stopped very still. Like this.' She demonstrated her point by posing in a typical sneaking-around pose with a shocked 'Ive-just-been-caught-but-if-I-hold-still-they-won't-see-me' expression on her face. She held this for a couple of seconds as Draco stared at her blankly and then stood looking at him as if everything was clear now and he obviously hadn't seen her.

'I still saw you' he told her shortly.

'Did I move?'

'Yes'

'Liar'

'You moved!'

'I didn't!'

'Did'

'DID NOT!'

'Yes you DID!'

'I DID NOT!' Bellatrix yelled at him, her hand reaching for her wand. This boy needed to be taught a little lesson with some good old fashioned Crucio butt kicking. The action caught Dracos eye and he put his hands up in defeat.

'Fine you didn't move!' it then stuck him that this was an idiotic argument to be having anyway! Even if the bloody woman had stayed completely still, he had still turned around to see her crouched on his floor sneaking towards him! Not forgetting the fact she had practically slammed his door open, jumped on to her knees and whacked her hands and feet down on the floor every time she had moved them. Quiet? Or not. She was more like an attention seeking Banshee. However, he didn't say any of this to the psycho in front of him. No matter how insane she was, she could whack out an incredible Crucio when annoyed. 'What did you want anyway, Aunty?' he sighed.

'You've been ignoring me Draco.' Her lips twisted into a pout and she put her hands on her hips. 'Why have you been ignoring me Draco? Darling? Deary? Is it because you don't love your aunty Belley anymore?'

'No it's not th-' he began before she moved closer to his face and interrupted him.

'Is it because you're scared I make you look like a looser whenever I'm around you?'

'No you do-'

'Is it because of the Helena woman?' he voice had dropped lower and she was now right in front of his face, her eyes narrowed and glistening with danger.

'What Helena woman?'

'The one with the hair.' She said in a 'demon' voice, extremely low and elongating the word 'hair'. Draco still had no idea who she was on about but didn't want to aggravate her anymore so shook his head no.

'It's because I've been busy Aunty Bellatrix. I'm back at school soon and I have to do this work' he gestured to the papers in front of him. Bellatrix pulled back from his, a bright smile on her face.

'Oh! That's okay then. You can come and play some games with me! Twister's wonderful. Have you ever played it Draco?' before he could answer, she grabbed his hand and began to pull him towards the door.

'I need to do this work!' he protested. Bellatrix stopped, looked at the papers, flicked her wand at them and then beamed as the fire they were now engulfed in smoked heavily.

'What work?' she giggled, pulling him out of the door.


	16. Twister with a Twist

**A/N... I'm not too sure about this chapter and I apologise for it's delay! I had a bit of the dreaded writers blocks. **

**Do let me know what you think. It would be muchly appreciated. **

**As always, enjoy! **

**MBRB'xo**

Bellatrix gripped Dracos hand tightly as she pulled him behind her though the maze of rooms and corridors in the Manor, occasionally swinging round a corner so quickly that Draco was slammed into the wall. Her manic laughter filled the hallways that they moved through and Draco had already given up protesting about playing a game with her. They made their way towards the room that Bellatrix and the Dark Lord had been watching TV in, but now the sofas had been shrunk down to the size of match boxes and the remaining furniture had been moved to side of the room and been changed into 2D shapes so everything stood flat against the wall. The only thing that was in the room was a giant twister mat, a group of unamused looking Death eaters and Voldemort with an excited grin on his face.

'Today, we shall play...' dramatic pause..'TWISTER!' the Dark Lord announced, bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet. 'Now I know that the last games day didn't go too well but this one is harmless. No, really it is. There will be no biting dogs, scorching irons or kicking boots. I promise. This time, all you have to do is spin this little arrow here, like this...' he held up the twister board and gave the arrow an affectionate little spin 'and then I shout out what it lands on, like this...RIGHT HAND GREEN' his suddenly booming voice made a couple of the deatheaters jump, including Lucius, which made Bellatrix laugh hysterically, whack his shoulder and call him a wimpy girl. And then stamp on his foot for good measure. The Dark Lord continued. 'And then all you minions have to put one of your right hands on a green circle. It's fun because you are going to fall over and I can laugh at you' he beamed at the blank faces around him. 'Game Tuesdays' had not been as fun as they had meant to be. Since they had begun, every game had ended in pain for one deatheater or another because of Voldemorts 'improvements' to the game of the week. Monopoly had resulted in Lucius having a finger bitten off by the charmed dog had tried to fix his finger afterwards, but healing charms was a weak area of magic for him. Jenga had ended with Rodolphus being sent to Saint Mungos when it had been decided they would play with bricks not wooden pieces and the large pile of bricks had been knocked over by Bellatrix. He swears she did it on purpose. And Mouse trap had ended with a number of deatheaters being trapped when Voldy decided he didn't like mice and so shrunk some of them down to be the pieces of the game. After trapping them in the cage, he had quickly lost interest in the game and left them there for a number of hours. Unfortunately, this meant that they didn't attend the meeting that had been scheduled and where therefore severely punished. And so when it was announced that whenever someone fell, they would have to be at the disposal of Bellatrix for the remainder of the week, the Deatheaters looked decidedly apprehensive. 'Well there has to be some kind of forfeit!' Voldemort declared as Bellatrix stood at his side with a wide grin on her face.

And so the game began.

After a couple of 'left foot right's' and 'left hand blue's'...voldemort started to get a bit bored. Muggles really found this entertaining? And so with a couple of well planned spins of the board, he had Lucius sprawled over the floor doing his very best not to fall. He knew that Bellatrix would be particulally harsh on him, and he really didn't fancy massaging her feet again. It sent shivers through him just to think of it. Bellatrix was also trying not too fall, just because she didn't want Rodolphus to beat her at a muggles game. How embarrassing that would be. But he seemed to be doing rather well, whereas she was finding her hand slipping more and more on the shiny mat. And so when Voldemort called out 'left foot REEEEEDDD', she carefully swung her left foot in the general direction of a red circle and hit her target perfectly. Rodolphus's face. The blow knocked him sideways and set off a domino effect with deatheaters falling everywhere until Bellatrix was the only one left, standing precariously with one bootclad foot on the red circle she had just moved it to, and the other 'accidentally' on Lucius's hair.

'Well I guess that means I win' she said innocently. The rest of the group groaned knowing that they were now to be her slaves for the next couple of days. Voldemort clapped his hands happily as he looked over his minions, their limbs tangled, all over the floor of Malfoy manor. Draco, who had been squashed in the process, detangled himself and patted his suit back down into place. He, too, didn't like the thought of being at the disposal of his mental aunty and if it meant selling out his father to be a free man, he would.

'Aunty Bellatrix...' he began sweetly, sidling up to her and putting his arm around her small waist. 'How about this... You don't 'own' as it where, the rest of us for the week because hey, even _you_ with all your power and mental problems can't think of enough things for us to do. It would be too much hassle. How about this... You have my father and Rodolphus as slaved for _two _weeks, not one, and let the rest of us off. We all know how much you despise them both' Bellatrix looked deep in thought as she contemplated this. She _would _like to be able to own Rodolphus. He always thought that he was superior to her simply because he was a man... And she _would _like to perm Lucius's hair. Purely for entertainment purposes.

Rodolphus, who has visably paled when he heard Dracos proposal, stood up and shot over to Bellatrix and folded her under his arm. 'Now now, sweetie. You don't want to be doing that. Why only have Lucius and I when you could have everyone? It's silly. Absurd. Insane' he gave her his best smile, trying to talk him down, but he saw that her eyes had narrowed and she was looking at him dangerously.

'Eat dirt and die, trash.' She said darkly, then turned on the spot back to Draco with a bright grin and, much to Lucius and Rodolphus's horror, screamed 'DEAL!'


	17. It's a Hard Knock Life

**Again, another apology about my AWFUL updating. It seems SO long since I wrote any of this story and, well, it HAS been. But I do hope to keep updating this regularly again. I know, I know, I've said it before but give a girl a chance? So for those who have been ridiculously loyal and kept this on your update thingys, thank you SO much and words can't express how much I love you, you beautiful things! And to those of you who may be new to this story, I hope you enjoy/have enjoyed it.**

**So anyway, Narcissa is looking pretty annoyed at being kept waiting with her hands on the little shiny cord, ready to pull up the curtain. Two seconds, Cissy. So I had better hurry this up. Please drop a little review if you like it, and so finally - on with the show! Narcissa, pull the cord!**

**MBRB'xoxo**

***Curtain rises***

**x-x-x-x-x-x-x**

**Lucius** and Rodulphus were not happy. Not happy at all. As Bellatrix sat in the center of one of the many large room of the manor, she hummed a tuneless little tune happily under her breath and it was already driving them absolutely insane. But not only that, it was their ridiculous chores that they were having to do that was _really_ making them want to crucio Bellatrix. It was 3 days into their enslavement and they had already been set a large range of equally ridiculous and infuriating tasks. After the household had eventally forced it out of Bellatrix that she was, indeed, a Helenaist, Lucius had been set the very time consuming task of scouring the entire internet for pictures of Helena Bonham Carter, printing them off, having Bellatrix approve them and then carefully cutting them out and sticking them to Lucius's bedroom wall which she had kicked him out of and renamed 'The shrine of the mighty Queen'. He had not approved of this change of sleeping arrangements and had attempted to appeal to Voldemort, but had only received a cruel laugh and the words 'Shut up, slavey boy'. He'd not had a good nights sleep since because when he had asked which bedroom he could have instead, he had been told that he may sleep in the hallways. But Voldemort wasn't _cruel _- he just liked a laugh - and so he had given Lucius Naginis old sleeping bag to have to keep him warm in the night. Rudolphus was having an equally miserable time of it, being on shopping duty most of the time. Bellatrix wanted black nail varnish. No not _that _black nail varnish, the _other _idiot. Go back and get it right. Bellatrix wanted Doritos. No not _those_ doritos, stupid. Did she _look _like she was a mexican? Did he really think she could handle _spice_? Yes she _did _realise they were the cheesy ones not the spicey ones. _GO BACK AND CHANGE THEM_. Bellatrix wanted a Parakeet. No, this one would never do. It was far too polite. Did he really think she wanted one that knew 'Thank You' and 'You look pretty'? Really? _Really?_ GO AND GET ONE THAT DEMANDS DEATH AND BLOOD. GO. _NOW. _

For Merlins sake, this whole dictator thing was difficult. She didn't know _how _ Voldermort did it. On the other hand, at least he had a _decent_ follower - her!

'LUCY!' she screamed suddenly. Lucius came flying into the room, a frown on his face. In one hand was a pair of scissors and in the other, a picture of Helena, a spoon held to her chin in a café.

'What?' he asked flatly.

'Is that how you speak to the leader of your life?' she sang at him in a light voice. Lucius had already learnt not to provoke her - the burn on his bum was still aching - and so he mumbled that no, indeed, it was not the way to speak to the leader of his life.

'I didn't think it was either!' she beamed at him, staring with wide smiled still fixed on her face and her eyes wide. Wow, did she look manic. Her expression didn't drop and Lucius wasn't really sure what to do. She was just sat there with her frankly, creepy smile on her face not moving and not shifting her eyes from his face. Errr... what? 30, 40, 50 seconds went by and Lucius marveled at how she was managing to make the same expression seem increasingly terrifying. In the end he couldn't take it anymore.

'What do you want?' he yelled, the question bursting from his mouth suddenly. He let out a deep breath, feeling the tension drain from him as Bellatrix just shook her head slightly and sang 'Nothinnngggggg' at him. Actually, scrap that about the tension. He was getting more and more wound up by the second. Suddenly her eyes landed on the photo in his hand and she squealed.

'Is that Hellie? Gimme Hellie!' Her hands were outstretched and grabbing the air in the same way that a child indicates it wants something. Lucius cautiously handed over the picture of Helena and raised his eye brows as Bellatrix cooed and fangirled over the picture in her hand.

'How can she be so cute? Look at her! She has a spoon. On her CHIN. Oh you precious, _precious_ child. Mummy will look after you. You just sit there and be adorable. Oh,' Bellatrix giggled 'you already _are _adorable. Lucius, leave us alone. Shoo.' her attention was turned back to the photo before he had even left the room and so he just left her, running a finger softly over the face in the photo and muttering to it.

Finally outside, Lucius leant against the wall next to the door, breathing deep. He knew he had to go back to the computer to find more photos, but he just needed a second to remind himself he was a powerful, pure wizard. He was above this and there was only a couple of days left - okay, 11 but shhh - and he would live through it. he _hoped _he would live through it. A movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention and he saw Draco ambling past the end of the corridor, loving life now that it was his father and not him who had to be at his crazy aunts beckon call. Glancing down the corridor to see his father bedraggled and tired-looking, Draco froze. Damn. Damn damn dammit. Their eyes met and for a second Draco couldn't move. He was fixed to the spot as he saw his father practically spitting flames. And then he was moving. He was running as fast as his legs would carry him away from his Dad who was shouting at the top of his voice 'GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE RAT! I'M GONNA KILL YYYOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU'.


	18. Angry Fathers and Frustrating Stains

**A/N Thank you to all those who have favourited and got alerts for this. You're all so precious! And a special thanks to my beautiful (and hilareous) friend, KillerElephants. The second half of this is down to her so I'd like to credit her with the laughter. Thanks for reading! **

**MBRB'xoxo**

**D**raco ran. His heart was pounding in his chest and his blonde hair was flying all over the place, but still he whipped round the corners of the mansion at a ridiculous speed, his father behind him the entire time, cursing him. Flames shot past his head barely missing his ears. Bats tried to tangle themselves in his clothes. The floor started moving in bizarre ways , the movement causing Draco to feel a little nauseous. Eventually, Lucius realised the perfect way to trap his son, and flicked his wand at the walls, slowing his speed down to a leisurely stroll. Draco stopped running as the walls of the mansion suddenly began to close in on him, trapping him in a dead-end with his livid father approaching, wand outstretched.

'Dracey, Dracey, Dracey. You little sod. Daddy's going to give you a little present for making his life A LIVING HELL!' He finished with a yell as Draco stood with his back pressed against the wall.

'Well I didn't want to be her bloody slave, did I?' He told his Dad.

'Draco. She plaited my hair. She _plaited _my_ hair!' _He exclaimed, a shudder ripping through him as he remembered Bellatrix's hands carelessly throwing strands of his beautiful silky hair over each other. 'She didn't even do it nicely' he pouted. 'And I swear if I see another picture of that flaming crazy woman and her weird muggle husband -'

'Partner.'

'What?' Lucius asked, confused as to why he had been interrupted.

'Partner. They're not married,' Draco explained with a roll of his eyes. Seriously? Again? Why always with the marriage?

'WHATEVER. If I see another picture of them again, I'm gonna AK their arses. But at the moment, I'm just mad at you for selling out your father, so prepare to meet the floor, boy!' He let out a rather good impression of an evil genius' laugh, complete with thrown back head, as Draco just looked at him confused.

'You what?' He asked. Meet the floor? Mighty Merlin, his Dad was weird. Lucius realised that his threat didn't really make much sense and so tried again.

'I'm gonna turn you into a mouse, idiot!' And again with the evil genius laugh. Half way through, Lucius cut himself off with a frown. 'It was better the first time, wasn't it?' he pouted. Draco just nodded his head. The second laugh just didn't have the same _umph_.

As Lucius raised his wand, Narcissa came round the corner to see her precious son backed up against a wall and her husband about to curse him. Quickly, she disarmed Lucius and caught his wand in her hand, stepping towards Draco and wrapping one arm around him. Draco promptly broke down into theatrical sobs and buried himself in his mothers arms.

'He.. He... He was so MEAN to me Mummy. I was s-s-so **scareeeeddddd**,' he wept. Narcissa looked down at her son with raised eyebrows and an unimpressed look on her face.

'You're not fooling anyone, Draco. Shut up. You're both a pair of idiots.' Draco immediately stopped his tears and rolled his eyes with a mumbled 'worth a shot'. With her arm still round him, she began to walk away from the dead end corridor. As she passed Lucius, she wiggled her other hand at him, showing him she still had his wand.

'You're not getting this back for a week,' she told him coldly. Watching his wife walk away with one hand on his sons shoulder and one hand holding his wand, he felt his fists clench into tight balls at his side and his foot stamp sulkily on the ground.

'Damn you boy. You're such a ... You're such a...' He struggled for an insult. 'You're such a GRIFFINDOR!' he yelled after them, revelling in the open mouthed, appalled look that Draco shot back at him as he was lead away by his mother who was muttering to him 'don't listen to the nasty man. You're my beautiful baby Slytherin.'

With a frustrated growl, Lucius prepared to leave the hallway when, suddenly, the unmistakable call of, 'Luuuucy, Lucy, Lucy, Lucy-Louuu!' pierced the air. Stopping mid-step, Lucius cringed but put on the best high-pitched, false-joyful voice he could manage, given the circumstances, and called back, as Bellatrix often instructed him, 'Yes, my Queen, oh powerful, evil and sexy one?'

The cackle that struck the air, reverberating around the narrow hallway and stabbing Lucius in all the wrong places, made his blood run cold. 'There's a stain on this wallpaper. It displeases me. Remove it.'

Lucius reluctantly followed the maddening voice until he came to find Bellatrix, sitting atop a throne-like chair - and just where had she even got that from? - with her arms folded across her chest. Beside her was an equally large and extravagant chair, sat upon which was what appeared to once be a clothes store's mannequin, dressed in what Lucius could only imagine to be every single one of Bellatrix's outfits, with a blown-up image of none other than Helena Bonham Carter's face cello taped precariously over the head.

The blonde wizard looked at the creation with a mixture of horror and fear until Bellatrix finally snapped her fingers, gaining his attention. 'Don't stare at my wife like that, Lucy, it's rude. Now. The stain. Remove it.'

Repressing a shudder, Lucius turned to view the wallpaper. He saw no stain. 'Just…what stain is your powerful, evil and sexiness speaking of, my Queen?' He asked, hoping his ass-kissing would at least ease Bellatrix's want to practise her Crucio later that night.

'Right there,' Bellatrix pointed with a roll of her eyes, as though the wizard before her was utterly incompetent for failing to see it.

Lucius followed her finger and, when he realised what she was pointing to, sighed and muttered a prayer under his breath before informing her. 'Your evilness, it…that's not a stain.' Bellatrix turned a brutal glare on him and Lucius practically whimpered, 'It's…just…it's just the pattern, you see?' He stretched his arm out to include the room in his utterance. Bellatrix cast a quick glance around at the walls surrounding her and, when she saw Lucius was right, turned her nose up in disgust.

'If I say it is a stain, Lucy, it. is. a. stain,' she growled, 'now…remove it. Remove all the stains.'

'But-'

'Remove them all'

'But it's- '

'All of them'

'My sexiness it's -

'Every stain'

'But!'

'Lucy, darling, you do know what I will do to you if you fail to meet my demands…don't you, deary?' Lucius paled and nodded. 'Good boy. Now, remove all the stains. Hellie and I shall watch you, make sure you do a sufficient job.' Bellatrix seemed pleased enough and, to Lucius' horror, he saw her reach down the side of the chair and press a button which caused a foot rest to pop up.

After doing the same on the Helena-mannequin's chair, Bellatrix relaxed on the recliner and grinned happily as she took the mannequin's cold, plastic hand in her own - and did she just feel the fingers wrap around her hand in a tender squeeze? 'Chop, chop, Lucy!'

And as Lucius turned and regarded the wallpaper once more, wondering just what he was going to do, a sharp spark his him in his left shoulder and he turned, with a yelp, to glare at Bellatrix. 'Oh, it wasn't me, deary!' Bellatrix all but coyly giggled into her hand, 'Helena, you naughty girl! Such a little minx! _Prrrr_!'

Paling, Lucius hurriedly turned to block his eyes from the view unfolding behind him. He was sure that what Bellatrix was now doing to the mannequin was illegal in over a third of the world. Now, how was he going to 'fix' their little wallpaper problem…?


End file.
